leggo my ego‏

Romans 6:15

What then? Should we sin because we are not under law but under grace? Absolutely not!

This morning on my commute to work I realized that I am still very affected by insecurity. I need, or perceive that I need, people’s approval or adoration. Not only others, but also my own. I often seek to be impressive even in my own eyes.

I want to surrender my ego to God. For far too long I have depended on the praise of men to determine my mood.

I do not say this to imply that in moments of meditation I actively choose the favor of men over the favor of God, but rather in my attitude and affections, I often find myself desirous of men’s approval.

It is not a sin to desire my wife to love and respect me. It is a sin to be embittered at my wife when she does not respect or love me.

That said, my sense of identity or satisfaction in life cannot depend on my wife’s obedience to what God has commanded her to do anymore than any of our sense of peace and safety can come solely from expecting our neighbors to obey God. Granted, if both my wife and my neighbor do seek to obey God, my life will look considerably less vulnerable in many regards, but my hope and peace must be in God, not the fruit of my wife and neighbor.

I want to trust God with my heart. My emotions are often all over the map and I need to surrender them to Him in full.

Far too often I myself attempting to thrust guilt upon people who I feel owe me something that I perceive will assist me in feeling better about myself. I get bitter. I get dissatisfied.

I am a sinner saved by grace for sure. This unpleasant business of seeing myself reveals to me daily that I need Jesus. I need Him in more ways than I currently know. I am praying to depend on Him more and more in the days to come. I realize that this will undoubtedly involve me seeing more and more of things about myself that are ugly in His sight.

By His grace, I am hoping to see them as ugly for the first time as well that I may repent of them, expose them to light, and rise from up under their dark oppressions.

This Christian life of faith is difficult and constantly challenging. It stands to reason that it should be ONLY this way. If God is holy and we are becoming like Him in Christ, should not our days be filled with constant repentance followed by faith and hope?