day no. 12,835: biograffiti‏

I can’t remember a time in my life when I did not know who Jesus was and what He did one day a long time ago on a tree just outside Jerusalem. But I can recall quickly to mind a time more recently than I wish where that did not matter. I wanted Jesus to be real for me when I died, but not for me right now. I was happy to let Him save my life once it was already over. When I moved to Ames, IA in 2001 I took with me the patterns and principles of one who liked Jesus, but did not love Him. So I sinned and lived and lumped it all together hoping for the best someday in some distance future when I had to die. Then God shook me awake. Sleeping people cannot describe sleep and they’re even worse at describing being awake. Awake people are privileged with a perspective that grants them insight into both. I had never seen my sin as bad as it was or God as good as He was. I liked Jesus, but I did not love Him. So I attended meetings about Him when I felt like it, but not when it interrupted something else I wanted to do. Jesus was a priority, not top priority. I made room for Jesus in my life, but when I checked in on Him, He wasn’t there. God woke me up. He was kind and loving enough to go after someone who was happily sleeping. I wasn’t having a nightmare when He woke me. I was hanging out, doing normal stuff like working, playing, watching, hoping, etc… I wasn’t a knife that needed to hit bottom in order to safely be picked up. I was that spoon jammed in the back of the drawer that goes unnoticed until you pack up and move. God was good to give me warm feeling toward His Word and His Son. I was criminal in thinking warm feelings were equal to love. Prisons are full of people who had warm feelings without love. God showed me that He loved me by revealing Himself to me. He opened my eyes to read His Words. I saw my sin. I saw my Savior. And I loved Him. The life I now lead I live hidden in Christ because my wants are changing to want Him more. I do not now love Him the way He deserves. The difference is I now know that. The difference is He now knows me.