day no. 13,260: not great, not good

I fall in awe before great men.
I fall in shame before good men.

I am neither great nor good.

There are times I wish I was.
There are times I think I am.

But I am not great and I am not good.

But by the grace of God, I am what I am.

The religious man in me looks to other men and makes the mistake of assuming the they offer something in addition to God's grace to them that makes them extra attractive in God's eyes.

I know that is not true, but the religious man, buried deep inside is tempted to believe that those men are truly more beautiful in God's sight than men like me.

I admire them.

I respect them.

In my religious heart, I may be tempted even to worship them.

And that's why it's wrong.

The rebellious man in me looks to murder the man others believe me to be.  Knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am NOT worthy of praise or honor, I look to sabotage that man they praise and honor.

So I find in myself both the desire to be praised and the desire to sabotage the man I work so hard to convince others to praise.

The heart is deceitful and desperately wicked, who can understand it?

May God have mercy and save me from myself.

Amen.